If my mind offends you…

Author’s Note: This is going to be a blunt, in-your-face post that probably won’t be suitable for church lady types and those under 18. It will be full of irreverent realism and might even qualify as satire. Stop reading now, or get a trusted adult to supervise your reading of this post. 😉

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One of the scariest passages in the Bible to me when I was a child was Matthew 18:7-9. In it, Jesus tells his followers to radically remove from their bodies any part that could lead them to hell. Between the idea of how often I’d have to harm myself and the number of zombie-like deformed, maimed sinners I would see, the resulting nightmares were truly frightening and went on for weeks. I was quite a literal child.

I wish I were still so literal. You see, I’m at that age where my uterus and ovaries don’t cooperate with my mind and the rest of the body to which they connect. I would love to take that literal interpretation and speed up the process for a hysterectomy by skipping all the hoops and turning the hysterectomy into a religious experience.

My uterus offends me. Cycle after cycle, it zealously and enthusiastically cramps causing great pain. I can’t take anything for the pain because the meds either don’t work or can’t be processed by my body at war with my uterus and ovaries. The pain then creeps into my voice, making me sound like an angry drill sergeant. Everybody heads for the hills thinking I’m such an angry young woman when all it really is is pain creeping its way throughout my body.

My ovaries offend me. They refuse to release or respond to proper hormone levels so if I don’t sound cranky I really am cranky. I need to push everyone away so the crankiness and resulting lost self-control don’t cause me to issue words from my mouth that I regret and can never take back. I need to keep to myself so the exhaustion doesn’t cause me to make bad jokes that add to everyone else’s cranky meter.

The ovaries also offend me by causing or participating in changes to my brain chemistry that affect the way I think and learn. They actually work to steal my memory! Nothing is ever where I leave it. Keys, words, sentences, glasses, web sites, passwords… they never seem to be where I saw them last… or was that where I saw them last? Which time?

Then the uterus and ovaries offend me by working together to cause discomfort by preventing me from achieving homeostasis. I like a nice steady state of internal stability. I don’t like irregular bleeding, bleeding off schedule, bleeding at varying intensities. I just don’t like bleeding. It’s gross!!!

These objects in my body also offend me by refusing to submit to chemical means of achieving homeostasis and routine.

Therefore, since all these parts offend me and cause me to be unspiritual, I immediately challenge my insurance company to review my medical records, authorize skipping all prior procedures and tests, and preauthorize one emergency radical hysterectomy to be followed by recovery time… in a private room with a view… overlooking a beautiful tropical beach…

And I’m sure they’ll do that… right after reviewing an anonymous request for a lobotomy… and sending a letter to the Vatican requesting exorcism of the demons of stupidity…

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