Category Archives: Growth

For My Husband…

Author’s Note: This is based on the song, “Bless the Broken Road,” performed by both Selah and Rascal Flatts. I’m including a link to the Selah version here.

“Bless the Broken Road” in surround sound–
And I believe every word,
Yet the pain in the journey
Sears my heart and floods my eyes.
It wasn’t the North Star
Leading me to your arms.
It was the man
Your broken road shaped in you,
Blessed by Jesus.
But my road still isn’t straight,
And I can’t find the joy and strength
To bless my broken road.
Hold me close and don’t let me go
Until joy in the journey dries my eyes.
Bless me with your love.
Hold me in your arms and on my feet.

Love me
Until I can love you
The way you deserve.

 

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Letting Go

Author’s Note: Hoping against all hope this is the last on this topic for this year. Late fall was never my time of year; I always seemed to face tough decisions with the wrong outcome or received bad news. (Yes, I am publishing way after authoring. 🙂 )

Always different, never fitting in,
Meandering, orbiting, never connecting,
Yet somehow I found brothers and friends.

But the shackle on my finger
Locked the blinders on my eyes.
A weapon invisible in the distant mists
Barred me from taking the shackle and blinders off.

My heart was frozen…
My mind was a rock…
My tongue was a sword…

I wanted to push you away,
To protect you,
I couldn’t, wouldn’t cradle bloody, cold corpses.

I just wanted to hide in the open for a while
So your lives could shine.

I called “Olly-Olly-Oxen-Free,”
But you were all gone,
Like sand flowing over my fingers
Digging at the shore.

Some are lost, some are found,
And nothing’s coming back,
Nothing’s back for me now.

And though I’ve seen light and life and joy,
The prison door’s still open.
I crawl in,
Covered in my briny tears,
Wallowing in guilt and loss, shame and remorse.
Then push out,
Becoming a joy filled robot again.

Someday…
I want to tear the prison down;
I want to let it all go;
I want to really live free with joy.

For now…
It’s only words–
Too few at the time,
Too many too late.

My Judas Lament

I fell into a dark chasm that year.
Decades ago you watched but didn’t know…

Where I was
Why I was there
What I needed

I shouted in the deep and dazzling darkness,
But I was lying and denying the truth.

The flames exploded from my lips
Into your broken, frozen heart.
As I traded deception and reality,
I sold you out,
Thinking I was buying you safety from destruction.

How great is the damage I’ve done!
What have I cost you, my friend?
How can I repay this staggering debt?

Have I destroyed your chance at eternity?
Have I devoured the calling on your heart?
Have I stolen soul upon soul from salvation and shepherding?
Have I killed the grand babies your mamma want,
All blue-eyed, sweet, and innocent?

Your friend became the Enemy that night,
And you turned from our true Master
Whom I never really served well.

Forgive me.
Come home.
Make it right.

I can’t, you can’t, we can’t, they can’t.

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up;
We’ve fallen, and the King hasn’t helped put us back together again.

Maybe letting go then was wrong.
And holding on now is wrong.
It’s all wrong.

Life Review

As I look over my life,
My heartache screams.
Yet I wonder how fallacies and delusions have me trapped.
What truths should I yell
Into the patterns of remorse
Lingering in the waltzes of my brain?
How do I fight?
How do I fall?
Letting go was never learned.
Hanging on was never taught.
I’m holding out for my new beginning
If I could shake the dysfunction of my past.

Prison Walls Changing

I stare at my hands–empty, dry, calloused.
I look into my heart–empty, broken, icy.

Decades ago there was a soul I thought the world of.
I grabbed that soul
And let go of all others.

One soul for dozens…

The trade was no good.
The resulting brokenness can’t be undone.
Season after season,
The same heart-wrenching guilt
Strangles me but begs for voice of release.

Forgiveness was granted,
But reconciliation and restoration never materialized.
They hang in the vapors
Distant and uncrystallized
Like unfulfilled longing and dreams never pursued.

I want what I used to have
And can never have again.
I want to press on and begin anew
But cannot let go of the empty past.

I don’t walk on water,
So I can’t fix what I’ve broken.

The sorrow hangs about my neck
Like the mariner’s albatross,
Strangling my hope for the future.

Release me, oh God, release me.
Set my world right in Your eyes.
Restore the damage my swarm of locusts devoured to create.

I have no right to know how my lost souls are,
But they’re Yours and You know.

Oh, if never looking into their eyes in this life
Could guarantee the joy of seeing their eyes in the next.

My loss is more than I dreamed possible;
My pain is greater than childbirth.

But life goes on.

I must live.
I must love.
I must choose.
I must feel.

Mountain, Mountain, Mountain

It’s the same mountain again…
The same horizon, the same shadow,
The same interplay of earth tones.

I’ve been here before,
But this time the path is marked,
The stumps are leveled,
The roots and vines are cleared.

Should I add guard rails?
Put in a water station?
Or maybe line the way
With violets, lavender, and wisteria?

Why am I here again?
I’ve changed.
I see things differently,
Know things differently,
Say things differently.

I’m not Mohammed,
So the mountain isn’t following me.
Should I change my perspective to see a molehill?
Why hasn’t my faith moved this mountain?

Weary, worn, and battered,
I’ve come to this mountain again…
What am I missing behind the mountain?
Why can’t I get beyond this mountain?

Eyes in the Mirror

I would look in the mirror year upon year.
Even as I aged I never saw me.
I saw his eyes,
And I wanted to cringe and look away.
His eyes: steel-blue and grey,
Crinkled from years of age and sun…
They flashed.
Wanted joy always replaced by anger.
Never girl enough, good enough, smart enough, right enough, perfect enough…
Never enough.

A few years back,
I softened and they changed.
They were my eyes: blue and green,
With just a hint of life.
Yet suddenly they’d become Abba’s eyes.
They’d see not good but worth His Son’s life;
Not smart but full of wisdom, understanding, counsel, and knowledge;
Not right but covered in Christ’s righteousness and full of His mercy;
Not perfect but pressing in toward the prize of Christ’s call on my life.
Abba saw me as I was and as He could make me.

It is enough in Him.